Sunday, December 25, 2011

First Christmas...

Today is my first Christmas without my baby boy.  It was rough in the beginning but I made it through.  Went to the cemetery to spend some time with Rosie IV. It made me smile and cry.  I miss him so much.  Strength will come with every day!

Baby Rosie and angel friends on Christmas 2011.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Up, Down, All Around

Roller Coaster. That's what I feel like I'm on these days.  One minute I'm up and the next I'm going down.  I try my best to not let my emotions get the the best of me but it is hard.  Sometimes there are so many emotions that I don't know what to do with them. ~sigh~

I changed the look of my blog because I felt like the other one was to dark.  I wanted something bright and cheerful.  It took a while but I finally figured it out.  I feel brighter now :-)

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2:25 AM and...

it's another sleepless night.  I've been sleeping okay but tonight I can't.  I have so much on my mind.  Tonight I'm thinking about my baby, family, work, life.... EVERYTHING.  I can't turn my mind off in order to get some rest.  With the holidays approaching, I am getting more and more anxious/nervous/scared.  I don't know what next weekend is going bring.  It will be my first time around both sides of my family.  And I have a BIG family.  Will I be able to handle it?  I don't know.

Right now I just want to scream.  AAAAAaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! If I didn't live in an apartment... I probably would.  It wouldn't do me any good though.

Today is going to be a long day.  My nephew's family day at school.  Cousin's 5th bday party.  My mother's job's Christmas party.  And who knows what else.  I was looking forward to this day until I could fall asleep.  Hopefully I will have enough strength physically and mentally to make it through. ~sigh~


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Didn't Know I had So Many Tears...

I am new to blogging/journaling/writing thing.  But I need something to keep me going.

I've cried every day since I lost my baby boy Roosevelt Washington IV.  He was born 11/11/11 at 9:08 pm and became an angel the same night at 9:45 pm.  I have so many emotions and I don't know what to do with them.  It is hard being on "maternity leave" and I am home with no baby.  I miss him so much.  I am so thankful that I got to meet him. No one wanted him more than I did.  My heart is broken.  I try to think positively but it is so hard.  I think about him squeezing my hand, his tiny feet and hands, and the time we spent together.  I also think about what if he was her, how would life be, who would he look like, and what would he grow to be.

I feel as if my body failed me hellp syndrome and preeclampsia have broken me... but I still love my Angel Baby RWIV

Hey Baby,

Mommy loves you and misses you so much.  I am sorry that I could not do anything to save you.  It is so hard without you hear but I know you are in a better place.  I put up the Christmas Tree yesterday but it was a bittersweet moment.  I am waiting on your ornaments to add to the tree.  You will always be in my heart.

Love Mommy :-)